Wednesday, August 4, 2010


They say time waits for nothing and that everything will take its time. But I say time is the ultimate illusion. Things that exist have always existed, maybe just in a different form. Therefore, anything that is meant to be already IS...maybe just a little further down the path. Im thankful that I understand this because its makes me a lot less anxious. Im very excited about what is taking place in my life!!

I've been working even harder to understand the world we live in, as well as the universe we are apart of. I would hate to die and realize everything i held as truth was completely false. Its amazing how much we humans think we know...when in actuality we know VERY little of the grand scheme of things. I wonder if its even possible for us to know EVERYthing. My brain hurts just thinking about that...ouch!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

My Aha! Moment

 Most people have heard of Oprah's terminology, an Aha! Moment. According to her it is “unforgettable, connect-the-dots moments, when everything suddenly, somehow changed.”  I had this life-changing, world-shifting, moment last night (July 31, 2010) while reading the words of a woman I will now never forget..Erika Harris. Her site explained a large facet of my being that I had never quite been able to explain and label.  I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I am a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). From the research of Elaine Aron the world was introduced to ground-breaking scientific evidence that 20% of the population are born with a highly sensitive nervous system. This has many consequences both good and bad for that person.  But the biggest concept of a HSP that I most identify with is the sensitivity of other peoples feelings and energy. I often find myself weighed down by other peoples problems....most often when they haven't even verbalized them to me.  HSP's are very very thoughtful people who often find themselves trapped in a spiral of thinking too much...and I definitely do that.  I cannot express how absolutely amazing it feels to learn more of who I am...and why I am the way i am. As Ericka so brillantly put it "I'm not crazy. Its my grotesque habitat that is crazy." 

In this video, Elaine Aron explains, briefly, what a Highly Sensitive Person is:

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dance Off...or On?

I still am greatly compelled to dance. Ive always wanted to dance but I never have. When I watch certain professional dancers or certain videos I get this burn, or yearn, deep in my gut to dance. I know I'm created to worship....maybe one way is through dance. Sometimes I want to dance so bad that I seriously wanna go clubbin...and I havent been to a club in years. Hmmm.... I will figure this out. For now my soul will continue to dance.

I feel...brand NEW

I feel better than I have in a while. I am learning how powerful my thoughts and mind really are. I am slowly but surely revamping my whole world by retraining my thoughts. Me and Velte are embarking on this journey together and it has made us sooo sooo much closer. I love him more now than ever before and Im so very thankful for our marriage. Dinah is also being transformed by us changing our thoughts about her condition. In my mind she is not disabled, she is fully functional. And only in a short time will our thoughts start to manifest in this physical world. And that is only because we live in a world ruled by we have to wait.

I'm so happy. I'm so fulfilled. Nothing can stop me from achieving my goals.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

A tired RANT

Okay I have to get this off of my chest. Im not normal. In fact im very far from it. I have an extremely inquiring, technical, curious, perceptive, deep, and pondering mind. I do not look at any object as just a physical entity. I look at an object and all at once wonder what it is made of, how it got here, whats its purpose, how it effects me, etc, etc, etc. Which means my mind is always racing....neurons always firing. I have always known that I was created this way. Even at a young age I questioned everything. I was always reading. Always soaking up knowledge. I yearn to understand this world we live in. I yearn to understand the grand purpose of it all. Yeah i know...religion supposedly explains it all. BUT, written doctrine only further confuses me. Too many contradictions. Too many gray areas. Im done with eating the bits and pieces of someone elses ideology. I want to KNOW the TRUTH for MYSELF. Perhaps everyone has a different truth. Perhaps there is no truth. You see how quickly my mind races? My gift of the quest for knowledge often feels like a curse. I often feel like im running through a maze with no way out. I answer one question only to be given 5 more.  I am highly convinced that one day it will all make sense. One day every puzzle piece that is floating in my head will form a cohesive picture of TRUTH.  Or maybe I'll come and go on this earth like the billions before me and just be apart of an inconclusive history.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Randomly Catching Up

Okay, catching up startingggggg NOW

1.) I feel slightly bad that I havent blogged in so long...SLIGHTLY. I've just been extra busy, extra stressed, extra frustrated...the usual. But, Im happy to say that things have been pretty good overall.  School is a annoying the hell out of me and I am sooooooooooooo excited that in a couple weeks this semester will be O-V-E-R. Initially I was going to take one summer class but for a few reasons I changed my mind. Which translates to me having an awesome summer (so I hope).  Im planning a roadtrip with a few coworkers of mine. Ive got a couple trips with my husband planned. And a handful of other events with my younger and older siblings. GASP...I may actually have fun this summer! Me? Fun? Havent really correlated those two words in a while...but the concept seems promising.

2.) Ive been in the gym. Ive been playing some major tennis. AND Ive been eating healthy. Which means I have given up my sweet addiction...icecream (teardrop). Not only is swimsuit season upon us, but I am set on keeping this body of mine fit and healthy for as long as possible. I still really dont understand how people can be in the health profession and KNOW the many habits that can kill them early and still do them. How can you teach a patient healthy habits when you dont follow them yourself? Im just sayin. Ignorance kills but apparently so does knowledge.

3.) I lost my wedding ring. My husband bought me a MUCH better one today. Probably only because I was getting hit on so much lol. Okay no...its because he is a sweetheart. :-)

4.) I have a new phone! Sprint Samsung Moment. Touchscreen. Android platform. I absolutely LOVE it. It is by far the best phone I have ever owned.  Many times better than my old crackberry. Im pretty addicted...its like a freakin gameboy for adults! Lol.

5.) Oh yea...Im not tripping on people anymore. For F'in REAL this time. If you feel the need to ignore an attempt of mine at friendship just know it will NOT be offered again. Yeah...not EVER. Lifes too short to pause trying to befriend the world. Last time I checked friendship was supposed to flow naturally.  Or not flow at all.

6.) Hmm...back to happy thoughts. Im loving this new sense of freedom in me. I want to do sooo many different things. I want to change my hair so many different ways. I want to travel. I want to redecorate my house. Im just ready to change.  Im ready to experience things foreign to me. Im ready to grow.

7.) I really wonder if my life will ever go back to normal post nursing school. Ive become this frantic, constantly on edge person. Totally not me.  I feel like Im trading my sanity for the opportunity to help people. I guess thats worth it right? As long as I dont become like some of the nurses Ive met who "eat their own young." Total jerks. Please God...anything but that! Really.

8.) Okay...I need to get back to studying. I have 2 exams next week. And 2 more the week after. HUGE exams. So needless to say I probably should NOT have been blogging. But I felt the need to catch up with whoever actually takes the time to read this. Sorry this was so random, but if you havent figured it out by now thats kinda my style of thought. Ive got a billion things on my mind at any given moment. Just be happy I can write my thoughts somewhat coherently.

Kelley :-) 

Sunday, February 28, 2010


Im studying...and actually ENJOYING it immensely...but ONLY because of the background music I am now playing...
Anita Baker
Luther Vandross
Brian McKnight
Stevie Wonder
Michael Jackson
Whiteney Houston

Forget about the mess they play on the radio today...these artists above are THEE BEST..period

Sidebar: I am READY for this test monday. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Stress...Its Whats for Dinner

Yikes!!! I've been super duper stressed lately. With my brutal Med-Surg class, brutal fulltime 3rd shift work schedule, and chaotic personal life....Ive been eating stress like it makes me healthy!! But, as a nursing student I know its doing the opposite. I got soooo stressed out one day I literally got sick at work and burst out in tears. Im so thankful for a great friend that was there...and the strength of God welling up inside of me. Being close to the edge is a SCARY thing...Ive been there enough that I should be used to it now...ya know...enjoying the scenery or something, lol.  Maybe one day lol...

I am happy to say that I have closed the chapter on a very detrimental "friendship". WhooHoo!! One less person to stress me out...less situation.

I've been blogging less to focus on that brutal class I was talking about...and trying to facebook less....

I've also been spending more quality time with my family..and myself. Because family now comes first with me.  School is VERY important, but the people I love are too precious to neglect. I learned that the hard way. And not taking care of myself creates a less effective me in all areas (thanks Sharon).

This post was more of a ramble more than a "blog." DONT judge me though...Im stressed.


Monday, February 15, 2010


Have you ever sat still long enough to listen? To the voice that speaks within? The sound of your soul crying out for something?

Everybody has different belief patterns. Some claim to have no belief (which I could argue is a belief in itself). But, I wholeheartedly believe that we all crave a connection with our creator (and if you feel you do not have a creator...what are u craving a connection with?). At some point you may feel a tug...a yearning for something more than what you can see with your eyes. For something more than what you can read in a book. Something outside of what is natural...something supernatural.  Well friends...this is what I am feeling right now. As i sit here at work living, breathing, with cells creating, and neurons firing...I know there is a God bigger than me watching me...and marveling at his creation.

A lot of people do not know this, but over my lifetime I have went through many different belief patterns. When you have such a curious and technical mind it is VERY easy to question everything. I grew up in church...but I always questioned what I saw...I always wondered why certain things did not line up. And I still do. I went through a period where I could not understand a God that would allow me to go through so much pain. I couldnt trust a god that would let me suffer. So there were times when I went my own way...I did everything I could to make myswelf feel independent from this God that I felt was not living up to what I thought he should be. But, it didnt work. You can only ignore your soul for so long before you are deafened by its screaming. I know quite a few people who are atheist or believe in some version of its principles. And, quite frankly I understand some of their arguments. But I can 100% say that I ONLY feel complete when I acknowledge God in my life. True freedom (for me) lies in God. Period.

And many people will find that until they acknowledge that voice within them that is demanding attention....they will always be uncomfortable. They will never feel complete. That voice will not go away...and even though you try to ignore it...your heart is listening and waiting for you to make up your mind to respond.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Comme ci, Comme ca.

Today was comme ci, comme ca, which in french means, "so-so." I woke up around noon , got ready, kissed Dinah n Velte, and left the house to face a long day. My Med-surg class started at 2:30pm, ended at 4:50 pm, and sucked the life out of me. Then, I headed to Chipolte for my burrito crack bowl. Once at work around 5:15, I scarfed down my food and then sat around until the beginning of my shift at 7:00pm. We had an admission within the 1st hour, but that is really the only running around Ive far at least. I've been grudgingly snuggled up with my med surg book at the HUCs desk engaving the nursing manangement of gastrointestinal problems into my mind, body, n soul. ::SIGH:: Im pretty exhausted and I dont get off work until 7am. Then, I will sleep for about 4 hrs before getting back up to go to school and get my patient assignment for wednesday. Im even MORE exhausted just thinking about that. Sleep why have you forsaken me?!

At least I had Chipolte today....And, Im working on my next big project: to convince my husband that a kitten is exactly what I need for Valentines day...with a red/pink bow just to make it official. We shall see how that works out, lol. My brain is fried with the doctrine of nursing and my heart is yearning for a kitten. Thats the recipe for some really weird dreams. Ya know, when/if I actually get a chance to have active REM sleep.

Nurse, yea...Im THAT tired.


Sunday, January 31, 2010

Im ready to RELAX and swim

I love to swim but havent in over 7 years. One thing that hinders me greatly is my hair. At the present time my hair is natural. Meaning that I do not have a relaxer in my hair to loosen the texture and keep it straight. In order to straighten my hair I usually have to go through an extremely long process of washing, detangling, blow drying, and flat ironing my hair. It normally takes me about 4 hours from start to finish. But, my hair will only stay straight if i keep water from touching it and try to avoid humidity (which is virtually impossiible). So...(drum roll please), I have decided to put a relaxer in my hair. I want to swim again without worry. I want to be able to go to the beach on a hot humid day and not end up looking like a chia pet. Im super excited to take this risk. But, if my hair falls out imma be super salty, lol. My hair grows relatively fast for my ethnic group, but Im still not trying to have to loose any.  I need your prayers that my locks make it through this event. Once I relax my hair...I can relax and swim.

For the love of..Pizza?

Came to work starving tonight!! I woke up and only ate a bowl of fruitloops and then went back to bed to nap before work. So naturally this means I would have to make up for this lack of nutrition by TOTALLY pigging out. And that I accomplished... A friend and I ordered Adriaticos Pizza, my favorite pizza in the area. Pepperoni. Breadsticks and sauce. Heaven. Only thing that could have satisfied me more is some graeters icecream. Naturally.


Saturday, January 30, 2010

So excited...

Im planning a trip for me and my babe for hopefully the week I have off from school in April. Im soooo excited.  Me and him were talking tonight about how we reallllly need a vacation. This will be our 5th yr of marriage and we have never been on a vacation alone, not even a honeymoon. So, I asked a very resourceful friend at work for suggestions and she led me to this beautiful spot!!

The resort is full of 5 star cabins that you can choose from. Each cabin has a jacuzzi, balcony, and every amentity you can imagine. SCRORE!!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Inspiration of the day...a MUST Read

This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it,
but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2.. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received...Forget about the rude remarks.

Good friends are like stars..........
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.

"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"

I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only
God keeps You Going


Preschool Jitters

Today at 11am Dinah will have her official evaluation to get into the preschool program at Princeton Schools. (Tear Tear), My baby is growing up. I'm excited that she is going into a new chapter of her life, the very beginning of her formal education. But, im also nervous about which program she will be placed into. Its no question that Dinah needs to be in a program that has special need accommodations. I just don't know to what extent they will go to accommodate her. I want her around children who are appropriate so that she can learn from them. But, i don't want her to be the only special needs child in the class. Its hard for me to imagine other kids pickin on her and staring at the pink wheelchair she will probably be in for a while. But, its inevitable. Kids will be kids.  I pray that everything me and her father have instilled in her will allow her to rise above any and all oppression. Dinah has already shown the world that she is unstoppable. baby is so strong. I need to take a lesson from her right about now. :-l

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

First day of Med...PASS!

Today was our 4th week of clinicals.  It was also the first time that we have been allowed to pass medication to our patients.  And its wayyy overrated. Given, passing meds is a HUGE safety risk. Everyday in hospitals everywhere patients swallow the wrong pill, take the wrong dose, and suffer severe hypertensive reactions. And that's from the hands of registered nurses!! So imagine the risk of a brand spankin new nursing student...yeah HUGE liability. And huge responsibility. And I dont take that for granted.

So, scanned my patients wristband, told her what i was giving her, she popped the pill and I went on my merry little way. I came back to help her get washed up and asked her if she wanted the TV on...and it was no surprise that she did. The elderly usually love daytime TV. Ya know, shows like The Price is Right or Golden Girls. But not her. She stopped at the Jerry Springer Show and immediately went into a elaborate story about Jerry being from cincinnati (which I didnt know) and how she had known him before he was famous. She also talked about his "checkered past" which, from the wink she gave me, I gathered she had a small appearance in. Then she talked about his mistake of buying a call girl with a credit card. Apparently, men should NEVER buy a call girl with a credit card or personal check. Cash only. Makes sense to me I guess. As I helped her put on a new gown she rivaled at the fabric saying it was very "Dior-like". I responded, "Dior as in Christain Dior?" And she responded "well yes...who else would I be talking about?" I just smiled and let her ramble on about how the hospital gowns silhouette was suggestive of an early Dior design.

Ahhhh I love the elderly. They can be quite the storyteller as they dive back into their youth with some truth and many exaggerations. But Im really just happy she took her medication

Monday, January 25, 2010

Giving up...not an option

Today was an epic day for me.
I sat for my very first exam of this semester and I passed...but just barely. Initially, during the review I miscalulated the points I would recieve and I seriously thought I failed. A huge part of me wanted to break down and cry like a baby. But, the deepest, truest part of me mustered the strength to take the situation in stride. I mean afterall, there are many people who didn't pass. People who studied just as hard as me if not more. And furthermore, Ive never failed a nursing exam so why would I be so close to giving up from just this occurence. That goes to show the power that the fear of failure can have on you.

So, I swallowed both my pride and a massive lump of frustration with a smile on my face...okay..maybe it was more like a snear..but its the effort that counts.

Imagine my surprise when I checked my grade online and I had indeed passed. I actually had to do a double take! Not only did I pass, but I was above the class average! Just goes to show that it is best to keep a positive attitude no matter what. You never know when things may change in your favor. :-)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Mountain Dew what did you DO to me?!

I overdosed on mountain dew last really I did.
Okay, maybe overdosed is not the right nomenclature. Perhaps I should say I misdosed? Oh...wait no. The dosing was correct...the timing was off.

Initially, I was going to stay up a little later than usual to get in some additional studying for my exam next week. So I inhaled (i.e.drank I don't sniff Mdew, lol) 20+ ounces to give myself a buzz of caffeine and sugar to stay alert and focused. However, my body somehow canceled that plan and I fell asleep...with a stomach full of toxic Mdew (yes, we all know its pretty toxic).

I tossed, turned, and hallucinated the ENTIRE night. You ever feel like you are asleep but awake at the same time? That is kinda what it felt like. I imagine that people "see" aliens during this type of state, because the mind is dreaming but the senses are still wired. I didn't see any aliens but I was convinced my alarm clock was gunshots! The worst part is that I had clinicals this morning so I drove to class feeling hungover and nauseous.

Oh Mdew how I love you....but we have to work out a different understanding in our relationship. You cannot keep hurting me like this. Sigh....I may have to leave you for coffee...I know, I know...I've been there and done that. But lets face made my body feel better...I know, low blow. Okay...ill put it like this.  I just need something different. My body is pretty sensitive and you are really aggressive on my system. You need someone who can handle you. Its not you...its me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I've Got a Feeling...

That TONIGHTs gonna be a good night...
Tonight something is happening that is very rare.  I get off work at 11pm!!!  Imagine my surprise when I looked at my BB calendar and it stated that i come into work for a E2 (7pm-11pm). I did a quick dance and everything.
So, heres the plan:
1.) Get off work @11. No, literally. I hope to be standing at the clock at 10:59pm to swipe out as soon as the clock strikes 11.
2.) Stop at Krogers and pick up some Toffee Chip icecream. Quite naturally. Whats a true celebration w/o icecream?
3.) Surprise Dinah with my being home to put her to bed. (Yes, she goes to bed late...but she cant help it with both of her parents having such late schedules)
4.) Study, study, study. Take notes. Listen to lectures.  Nuff said.
5.) Spend quality time with  my love.
Yeah a great night it shall be :-)

For the LoVe of "Quotes"

"There are no mistakes, save one: the failure to learn from a mistake."
- Robert Fripp

'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -Robert Frost

"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."~ Aldous Huxley

"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can."~ Unknown

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."

~ Richard Bach

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. "
~ Unknown


I had FINALLY started to study when procrastination came back to bite me in the butt.

I was sitting at the HUCs desk relieving her for lunch when suddenly a patient in my pod started to go down hill. In the process of being switched over to a different ossilator, she started to desat and her blood pressures dropped. Unfortuantely for me, since I was covering for the HUC, I had to page a million fellows, RTs, attendees, etc AND run around getting the code stuff.  Thank God for the PCAs from other pods that came to assist me. In the PICU, teamwork makes the dreamwork. As much as I get annoyed by this job I can honestly say that whenever there is a crisis the staff work together fluidly. Its all about changing the outcome for our patients.

Codes can be very hard to watch. There is blood. There are screaming parents. There is a kid trying to die. It is scary that I've almost become numb to them. When I first started here over a year ago codes bothered me deeply. I couldnt stand to see children die traumatically and the family members breaking down in the process. As a healthcare worker it is very important to be able to keep your cool during emergent situations.  I am thankful that I have acquired some type of buffer that enables me to stay on my toes under pressure BUT I dont ever want to loose my empathy for our patients and families. My daughter coded and almost died several times. I was the parent watching my child be recusitated. Ive lived on both sides of the equation. 

Thankfully, the patient made it through another code.
Tragically, a measurable amount of studying was not achieved.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Procrastination at it's finest

Ive been procrastinating.
Since arriving at work I've pretty much been conversing about blogging. And now....Im blogging.  But to make things better I am in the process of downloading my lectures so i can listen to them. You know...while I blog. Multitasking is a gift from God!

I take peace in knowing that once I actually get started I'll be on a roll. I actually LOVE to study.  I have a secret nerd gene in me that I try to suppress but its comes out then and again. I guess I should be a little more clear and state that "I love to study nursing." And the fact that reading is a hobby of mine helps as well. But, the fact that I love writing does NOT help...because that leads me here in the belly of procrastination...blogging.

Long Night Ahead

So, i just woke literally. My body is very clearly on an extremely awkward schedule. I work 3rd shift and I go to school during the day. So...I pretty much just catch up on sleep when I can.

I work tonight from 7pm-7am.  FUNtimes, lol.  Sometimes I dont mind going to work because it gives me a chance to clear my head and a few blocks of time to study.  Working in the PICU is an interesting event in itself.  I see alot, learn a lot, hear alot. But it can also be a HUGE pain in the butt. But its not the work thats a pain...but people...certain people.  I know, I know...people should not be an issue. And usually they are not...but every now and again I get sucked into the drama.  SIGH.  I know, all I need to do is change my mindset...change my world..yada yada

Anyway, Im about to give Dinah a bath. She desperately needs to be dumped in some clean water right about now. 

Then, I will race the clock to clean up the house, throw a load of clothes in the washer, get ready for work, pack my school bag so I can study tonight, feed Dinah, and then leave in enough time that I can stop at Chipolte before i head to work. Yes...this is pretty much the rundown of many of my busy days. Chipolte is always squeezed in though, lol.

So off i face this long night.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Playtime needs to be Over

So...I  literally spent the entire day messing around with this here blog. Its been so long since I've been on here that I forgot how to do even the basic things. I took a self guided refesher course that sucked!!!! I spent like 3 hours trying to figure out how to post a youtube video...actually i know how to post it but I had to troubleshoot to get it to work. Wheew!!!! 

Now Im sitting here contemplating my next move. I really need to do some reading for my NUR 150 Unit 1 exam.  Ive got just over a week to finish preparing for it. However, that probably wont happen tonight because someone volunteered me to watch my niece, Amiya. I Love spending time with her but when I have her and Dinah at the same time by myself i really cannot focus on anything else. So maybe me and the girls will play...and listen to my lectures lol. 

I have to also fit Dinahs therapy and exercises into the few hours left of this night. She has had her braces on all day so her legs should be stretched enough to try some standing. It is our goal to at least have her self-standing by her 3rd birthday, on February 24.  Once she is standing on her own it is only a matter of time before she is walking...and then running.  I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

The bright side about having a special needs child is that I learn patience and tenacity. I have to focus on her future and not just what she can or cannot do at this present time. She will walk...its only a question of time.

I think me being a nursing student helps a lot as far as Dinahs care and vice versa. I thought I knew everything about her condition (Cerebral Palsy) but I'm always learning new things that gives me strategy for her care. I truly believe no patient is EVER a lost cause. Until they take their last is not too late. Working in healthcare, I sometimes find that people give up on patients when the prognosis is grim. But my child is a miracle and there are thousands more out there.  Faith is the best seed u can give to get a miracle.  All we had was faith when Dinah was was struggling for her life...and each other.

I hope to one day form a support group for mothers of premature children. It is a VERY devastating and traumatic experience. Its unnatural for a woman to give birth prematurely and often the body still craves to give birth because it feels like it did not accomplish that goal. It sounds crazy, but to this day I STILL feel like I never gave birth. I know I have a daughter. But, by her being born when I was only 5 months preggo by c-section, psychologically I have no recollection of a FULL birth.  I still deal with this everyday. I had to have therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...yeah it was that serious.  I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone but I am still thankful that God thought I was strong enough to handle it. It definitely takes special people to take care of children with special needs.  I KNEW I was special all along lol :-)


Foods of Pleasure

Every woman has a few guilty pleasures...things that you eat or do that you know is not necessarily good for you but you're completely addicted to it. Many woman LOVE chocolate. I don't.  A lot of people even smoke when they are stressed. I never have. I am completely addicted to Chipolte and Icecream.

                     Chipolte Burrito Bowl                     

This was once filled to the brim with extra rice. Steak. Sour cream. Cheese. Chilli Sauce. And tobasco sauce to rev up the heat. A moment a silence in awe of the meal that was.

             Graeters Icecream

I literally shuffle in like an awestruck kid in a candy store. I come for the icecream though. Toffee Chip. I walk up to the booth to try new flavors and push the limits of my sanity pretending to contemplate getting something different. But the verdict is always the same. Oh, and I can also find my special friend at Krogers...sometimes even on sale!

MuSic Musings

So... I LOVE music...but really...who doesn't??

One of my favorite songs right now is "Promised Land" By Mario. Something about this song absolutely invigorates me.

I'm soooooo excited for some reason I can't even sleep after working 8 hours!

Catching UP

Dear God!!! I reallllly cannot believe that i have not posted anything on this blog in months!!! Oh wait, yes I a freakin mom, wife, fulltime goofer (aka nurses aide), AND a student nurse. thats my excuse...I was busy so I didnt blog, lol.

Anywho, lets see, where to begin????

So, I started school aug 24, 2009 and i can genuinely say i loved my first semester. It was hard balancing everything and to be completely honest initially I put my life on hold to adjust to my school load. That included me putting my already tattered marriage on the backbunner. In hindsight that was a bad call because I really hurt my husband and a few other people close to me. Im thankful my husband loves me enough to forgive me for that VERY rough patch and still move forward with me. I lost a few friends in the process (not really because of school) and thats all good. IMHO, anybody that decides not to be my friend was kinda not really my friend to begin with. Right? Or maybe thats just what i tell myself to get over the trauma....probably so. But in the end I always have my family...and that is what matters.

But, getting back to the subject, I met some pretty awesome people in school that I hope will prove to be lifetime friends. I could name names but the list is short so the possibility of mass people being excluded are 100% guarenteed...and they know who they are anyway lol.

I made it out of the first semester with a solid B average which I cannot complain about. I am thankful that i made it and God showed me how to balance my life in the process. Life is all about balance. A complex juggling act! And Im becoming an expert juggler.

My beautiful niece was born in October. I love her so much!!! Its amazing how infants make u value life. I was a newborn, then, I was a toddler, so on and so forth. And look at me now. Im an adult full of purpose. So every child born is an adult full of purpose just waiting to happen. It makes u wanna do as much as u can to help children succeed. And I see both sides of the spectrum everyday. I work in the Pediatric ICU where I see infants and children die all of the time. Its very sad to see a purpose taken away from this world before it has ever had a chance to make itself known. Hopefully, I can use the platform of being a Nurse to make a difference.

Balancing work has been extremely difficult. I am now at the point where I stopped counting the days I wanted to quit. Not just because Im tired from school...I just get tired of attitudes. The nursing community is very clearly majority women and with women come gossip, jealousy, pettiness, immaturity, and so many different complexes!!! Sometimes i just need a vacation to regroup because being amongst all the nonsense sometimes rubs off and i dont even know who I am anymore. In addition to that, I tend to get very close to the wrong people for whatever reason. Now that people have been stripped from me (as uusal), Im content just keeping to myself now. And at the same time im bubbling with frustration. Ah...the JOYs of the contradictions in life, lol.

There have been a lot of changes in my household as well. My 17 yr old sister went back home. Both of my brothers were living with me. Now its just one of my brothers and his girlfriend and daughter that stay with me, my husband, and dinah. It often feels like "The Cosby Show." But i love my family and nothing makes me feel better than being around them. I think when it is actually just me, Velte, and Dinah one day Ill feel so odd. Or maybe Ill feel liberated...i guess ill see when (or if) that happens. Im in my second semester that is rumored to be much tougher than last. So far Id say its just a lot more content. Not hard....challenging. And i LOVE a challenge. But, we shall see what i really feel about it as the semester progressively gets more complex. Im ready for the ride...or drive...whatever lol.

Hmmm there is probably somethings Im leaving out... Oh yea Im proud to say i have added yet another tattoo to my collection. To my husbands dismay i have a firm fixation on unique body art. But I told him I was done so imma try to stick to that...we'll see what happens lol.

Chipolte is my stress reliever. And icecream is my sanity. Thank god for a fast metabolism!!!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Ive matriculated YAY!!

So I paid my $350.00 matriculation fee yesterday!!! Which means, I am an official registered student at The Christ College of Nursing !!!! Wow, Im watching my dream begin and it still dosent seem completely real yet. I start class August 24, 2009....i bet it'll feel real then :-)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Eek!!! Its PREP Time

Getting accepted into nursing school was a great feeling!!! Now that the reality of me starting school is setting in Im getting extremely nervous. There is books to buy, time to manage, schedules to change, help that needs to be requested, and even meals to plan (yeah im thinking THAT deep). More than anything I really want everything in my house, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally to be in order. I want to have a proven technique of dealing with stress in place. Dealing with stress!!!!??? Im always stressed out just with the craziness of my everyday life. I can only imagine what my crazy life plus the craziness of being a student nurse will bring...probably more insanity. But enough with my ramblings...Im prepping myself for one of the biggest events of my life. Being a nurse will launch me into my destiny of healing nations. I may not be able to save every patient but the pursuit is a worthy cause. I believe in hope when hope is not an option.

So...lets get it started!!!!!

I dedicate this all to my baby girl, DCD, who is my inspiration for nursing. She is the miracle that keeps on giving...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Acceptance feels excpetionally GOOD

On Monday, June 1, 2009 at approximately 11:30 am I recieved a call from Connie at The Christ College of Nursing. I had just laid down for a quick nap but quickly perked up when she introduced herself. She asked me if i would like to accept a seat in their nursing program for this fall!!!! I can vaguely remember my response but I clearly remember thanking her over and over agian. "Hell yeah I want that seat," is kinda what was running through my mind. I got off the phone and literally started jumping up and down. I was accepted into what is known throughout the city as one of the best nursing programs in cincinnati. I told my sister and she was super excited with me...then I called Velte and he was estatic...then I told I told my brother Darren...then I went to work and told every person I felt would genuinely be happy for me!!
I truly have to thank God for his many people wanted in this program, over 800 hundred applied for the only 150 seats. I am so grateful.